I have many friends, but I don't have many close friends whom I can boast of. In fact at any point of time, I can count the number of them with my two hands. Nope, its not that I don't treasure the friendships or I don't hold the friendships I have in high regards. Nope I don't, in fact I realised that its more of a self defense I have set up subconciously to prevent myself from feeling sad too often. Since I was young, whenever I thought a great relationship was going to surface, I had to part with that person and never see him/her for a long time. For example, my cousins, my aunts in Indonesia. At that moment, i was really helpless, I couldn't do anything but to see them move further away from me. Everytime on the plane back from a trip in Indonesia, I'll definitely feel that awkward and sad feeling. I remembered the few times I cried so badly in front of everyone when I was pulled away from them to board the plane back. As time passed by, I knew how naive I was. My mother often told me the same. It is impossible to stay with them all the time. Ever since my childhood, I already started building this mechanism of self defense not to get too attached to people. The few times which I accidentally got too attached to anybody, I was further proved that I shouldn't since at the end of the day I had to leave them too.
In fact, for a long long time, I haven't experienced this feeling of missing good friends and visualizing the day I would leave them. I haven't, and when I do, it spells troubles, because it means that the self defense I had carefully imposed on myself over the years have already been invaded. This time, I thought the probability of me falling into this trap I brought upon myself is really slim. I had already learnt to deal with it for years already, but I guess I was wrong this time. I already could sense this attachment forming. Especially after yesterday when Jen, Marriane, Sam and Bao threw me this pleasant surprise early birthday part, I was really quite shocked. No one has ever threw me a surprise party haha. The last time I was really elated was when my clique celebrated my birthday together with me last year. Anyway let's not digress, I was really touched by Jen and Marriane especially. I don't know how to put this in words, haha yea I am emo-ing now. Gah I really can imagine what its like without them next year. Lol even though they bully me so much but yet again these are the memories or stories I will remember and can tell to others. Gahh haha even though I haven't known them for a long time, but they have added so much more to my life, and the small little advices they gave me had actually helped me recover from the blow I suffered during common test. What I had done with them in this short while are in fact much more significant that what I had gone through with most people I had knew for years already. And they helped me realise there are more things worthy of my attention out there than games like Dota or Maplestory. Rah I will miss them, I really will, to what extent I don't know yet. Thank you Jen, Mary, Bao, etc and especially Jen and Mary for these wonderful memories.
Haha, 'Super'-dog!
~yoz~bert~yoz~
12:21 AM
